Yesterday I sent an e-mail to a potential client for He Blogs, She Blogs. I copied Laura on it. She said, “Post on this, it’s a fun example of creativity in business e-mail techniques.”

I’d been trying to get an appointment with this prospect and hadn’t heard back from him for a few weeks. Here’s what I wrote:

Hey _____, please choose the appropriate response and send back at your convenience:

___ Jim, so sorry, I’ve been slammed! I’ll get back to you after Thanksgiving and we’ll set a time to hook up.

___ I’m on the 1^st tee at Pebble Beach. Where are you? We can’t wait for you much longer.

___ I heard you ran into my cousin at your writer’s group and she told me the truth about you.

___ I heard you played in the Golf-O-holics with my other cousins Bob and Tim. Anyone who takes part in something making fun of alcoholics is no friend of mine.

___ I’ve joined the PGA tour. No time for the ad game anymore.

 

Thanks,

 

Jim

I got a response twenty minutes after I sent the e-mail. Here’s what he said:

You’re a funny guy! I pick…

 

___ Jim, so sorry, I’ve been slammed! I’ll get back to you after Thanksgiving and we’ll set a time to hook up.

 

I’m flying out in the morning and will return Monday afternoon. Let’s talk then and set a time.

 

Be blessed this Thanksgiving. Weirdo!

Did my creativity help?

I think so.

Now a few caveats lest you think I’m suggesting blasting e-mails like this off to everyone you’re trying to do biz with:

1. I have an established relationship with this guy. I know he likes me.
2. We’ve golfed together so I customized my comments to fit our common interest.
3. I poked fun at myself so it was clear this was playful and not a ‘Why haven’t you responded” whine-fest.

Bottom line? My creativity caused him to take action sooner than he would have otherwise.

If you want to explore this idea a bit further and how it plays into job interviews, take a peek at a recent Seth Godin blog post.

Remember, people like to be entertained. They like to be surprised. So do it. In your e-mails, your phone calls, your presentations.

What creative approaches have worked for you in business? Love to hear them.

Dig Deeper

• Correct Punctuation for Web site and e-mail
• Writing Great Copy
• Killing the Typo Ogre

Tags: creative e-mail, He Blogs She Blogs, Writing

“I can’t think of anything to write about.”

When I taught high school English, my students frequently moaned about the lack of interesting things to write about.

My standard response:
I’d roll my eyes and challenge them to keep their eyes and ears open and to ask questions about everything they see and hear.

When I was driving near my home recently, I spotted the perfect story starter:

I’ve never had to pull to the side of the road to make way for a seaplane. In fact, I’ve never seen a seaplane being towed down the highway!

This scene has the makings for a good mystery/suspense story.

I started asking questions:

• Who owns this seaplane?
• Why is it being towed down the highway?
• Where is it headed?
• Where’d it come from?
• Is there water nearby where this plane will be docked?
• How am I going to get past this monstrosity?

The scenery provides ideas for more story elements:

• “Dead End” sign to the left of the plane
• Tall hedge on the right side of the road
• Beige shed behind the plane
• Long, lonely road between the truck and the photographer

From what viewpoint could I write the story?

• Pickup driver
• My own (driver of car approaching the pickup)
• Person hiding in cockpit of seaplane
• Unseen bystander or omniscient narrator who’s observing the scene unfold

What potential conflicts could I develop based on this scene?

• Kidnapping (pickup driver is leader of a drug-smuggling cartel. His seaplane is loaded with kilos of illegal drugs, which he’s attempting to spirit out of the U.S. into Canada. He kidnaps me, the unwitting witness of his dastardly deed).
• Crash (truck towing seaplane crashes into oncoming driver).
• High-speed chase (seaplane is, in reality, not being towed at all but is taxi-ing down the makeshift runway with police cruisers in hot pursuit. Unsuspecting driver of uncoming car gets caught in the cross-fire).

Take the story-starter challenge!
Using the seaplane photo, write the first sentence or paragraph of your own story. Share it with us in the Comments area.

Tags: author, fiction, scene, seaplane, story starters, Writing

Oh, those dreaded apostrophes! Writers sprinkle them here, there, and everywhere–usually, in the wrong place.

And commas? We won’t even go there.

Test your knowledge of  these perplexities by playing this fun punctuation game, based on my favorite punctuation book, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation.

Tell us how you did!

True confession: I scored 67 percent the first time I took the quiz (ouch!), but 100 percent the second time. Apparently, I don’t use enough commas.

Tags: apostrophes, commas, Eats, punctuation, Shoots & Leaves, Writing

Often prose isn’t putrid, it’s merely weak. We can strenghten it.

From a newsletter in Friday’s mail: “I was flipping through my journal this morning …”

One of the golden rules of good writing is to kill passive voice. Let’s grab ye ol’  hatchet and and see what happens:

“I flipped through my journal this morning ….”

Better? I think so.

Making this change also allows us to turn “flipping” into “flipped.” Get rid of ings in your prose. Your writing will be stronger.

From a blog I enjoy: “What I mean today is that you not only need to be reading books …”

If good writing is tight writing, can we cut words? Yea, verily. Almost half; without losing what she meant.

Try, “You not only need to be reading books …”

Now let’s use our ing lesson:“You not only need to read books …”

We went from 14 words to seven, and the sentence is far stronger.

Think tight. Think active voice. Dump the ings.

Your readers will love ya for it. So will Laura.

Tags: passive voice, strong writing, tight writing, Writing

Jim asked: “What’s the best piece of copy you’ve seen lately?”

The one I’m about to show you–from the world-famous Herbfarm in Woodinville, WA–arrived in the mail several months ago. I kept it because it’s so intriguing and well-written. Here’s the first page of the 2-page letter (my comments will follow):

Laura’s comments:

First of all, if you’re unfamiliar with The Herbfarm , it is the only AAA 5-Diamond restaurant in the Pacific Northwest. My hubby and I went there for our 25th anniversary, and we marveled over the nine-course meal (yes, I said NINE courses), accompanied by SIX wine pairings (I strongly recommend booking a night’s stay in the adjacent Willows Lodge).

Why I read this letter
I toss 99.9% of all direct mail advertising immediately into my recycling bin, but I opened this letter (probably to see if The Herbfarm was gonna offer me a great deal on another meal, because the place is darn spendy).

The hook
They had me at “The Red Wheelbarrow,” my favorite William Carlos Williams poem. My eyes roved straight from the short poem (note the poem’s larger font size and contrasting color) into the body of the letter.

“Dear Friend.”
Not a great start. They should have personalized it with my name.

“Dumb cluck? Or dumb luck? Who can say for sure.”
Punchy, one-line lead. Intriguing play on words.

The story.
Personal, conversational, interesting. Fresh phrases, “pidgin chickenese” and “yolks were molten gold” put me right there, with the writer.

The back page.
Chicken and egg analogy leads into an explanation of how they raise their own food (”we gather our own eggs, churn our own butter, age and cure our own meats,” etc. etc.)

The appearance.
Heavy bond, off-white paper printed in two colors. Classy font. The 1.5 spacing between lines gives my aging eyes breathing room.

The pitch.
When I finished the letter, I considered booking another reservation right then and there. (I didn’t; they “forgot” to enclose a coupon for $100 off. Maybe Jim and I can host our company “picnic” at The Herbfarm…whaddya say, Jim?)

The payoff.
I kept the letter, and I’m sharing it with you. Maybe you’ll book a reservation at The Herbfarm, based on my recommendation (the food is to die for).

Now you try it.
Compose your own direct mail marketing piece for one of your products or services.

• How do you want it to look? (size, shape, length, colors, type font, graphics)
• How do you want it to sound? (first person “I” point of view? Second person “you”? Or third person? Should your tone be cozy, homey, brash, enlightening?)
• How will you hook readers in the first line?
• How will you make the sale at the end of the piece?

Give it a shot right here in the Comments area. We promise to write back with our feedback.

Tags: Advertising, Herbfarm, Marketing, Writing, writing compelling copy

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash Says Expert
With brilliant analysis like this, he obviously has a future in politics.

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
I bet after running over a few of these delinquents the jaywalking will stop.

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Good move; hard to pack much booze into those tiny cases.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
I’d go after a torso first.

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Without opposable thumbs? Wow!

Seen any horrible headlines recently? Send ‘em our way.

Tags: headlines, poor copy, Writing

My intent was to post a headline I found last week that was particularly putrid, but then the e-mail below popped up in my in-box yesterday afternoon. It’s better:

Dear info@heblogssheblogs.com:

We provide Marketing Services:

1. Provide e-mail list as your required.

2. Customise e-mail list for you, broadcast your message to the list.

3. Web-based e-mail mailing system that allows you easily send outemails and manage the list.

* We offer also broadcast server for send out emails. Please contact us for any question.

Motely@xxx.comMarketing Servicexxxx Marketing Center

(I assume this company wants our business and isn’t trying to be funny.)

What they did right: Our e-mail address is correct.

What they did wrong: Everything else.

Last month I heard Allen Arnold, publisher of Thomas Nelson’s fiction line, say they typically end up with one or two typos in first editions of their books. Mistakes are made. But that’s in novels, often over 300 pages long.

Seven mistakes in a 63 word e-mail is a ratio that screams, “You’re crazy if you do business with us!

True confession time. I’ve sent out short documents with multiple mistakes. Maybe not as many as our marketing geniuses above, but even one is too many.

The above is a great reminder to read our documents out loud, have another set of eyes take a look if we can, and always check one more time before you hit send; ’cause these days whatever you write on the Internet can live forever.

What tips do you use to avoid the typo ogre?

Tags: avoiding typos, Marketing, Writing

Detective novels always contain detailed descriptions of the suspects, the witnesses, and, well, pretty much everyone. Here’s a paragraph from a novel I just finished, written from the viewpoint of a detective who’s interviewing members of a family in which a 12-year-old girl was murdered:

The Foleys were an unprepossessing bunch. The fifteen-year-old settled into an armchair and folded her arms, hitching up her bust like someone’s mammy, and gave us a pale, bored, supercilious stare; the ten-year-old looked like a cartoon pig and chewed gum with her mouth open, wriggling her rump on the sofa and occasionally flicking the gum out on her tongue and then back into her mouth again. Even the youngest was one of those deeply unnerving toddlers who look like bonsai adults; it had a prim, pudgy face with a beaky nose, and it stared at me from Vera’s lap, its lips pursing, and then retracted its chin disapprovingly into the folds of its neck. I had a nasty conviction that, if it said anything, its voice would be a deep, forty-a-day rasp.

-In The Woods, by Tana French, p. 106

I found this paragraph riveting (yes, I’m easily entertained!) because the description of the three children made me feel as if I was right there with the detective, closely observing the suspects.

Phrases that set the tone for me:

• hitching up her bust like someone’s mammy (the story takes place near Dublin, Ireland; this phrase gave me a feel for the cultural setting, as well as the girl’s attitude)
• looked like a cartoon pig (I’m thinking Porky)
• wriggling her rump on the sofa (the word “rump” extends the cartoon pig metaphor
• flicking the gum out on her tongue (my kids do that when they chew gum)
• bonsai adults (fresh metaphor!)
• retracted its chin disapprovingly into the folds of its neck (the author does not give this toddler a gender, but refers to the child as “it.” I’m picturing an alien creature from Star Wars)
• its voice would be a deep, forty-a-day rasp (can you hear it?)

What phrases jump out at you? Whether you’re a fiction or non-fiction writer, how do you use detailed descriptions to make your scenes pop?

Share some of your favorite turns of phrase!

Tags: "In the Woods", details, fiction writing techniques, Tana French, Writing

I hate reading series books because they leave you hanging, and you have to wait at least a year for the next installment in the series. By then, you’ve forgotten what happened in the first book. The whole thing is one big, vicious circle intended to frustrate readers and generate big bucks for publishing houses.

But when Jim highly recommended Karen Hancock’s 4-book Legends of the Guardian-King fantasy series, I took the bait (but only after visiting the library to make sure all four books were available for checkout).

My husband, who is a huge fantasy/sci-fi fan, read them first and gave them a hearty stamp of approval. Then I dove in, and spent several sleepless nights devouring the suspense-filled books. It was one of my first forays into Christian fantasy fiction (which some fantasy-fearful publishers disguise by calling it “speculative fiction,” “allegorical fiction,” or “inspirational fiction”).

Let’s just call it what it is: fantasy fiction with all the trimmings, written from a Christian theological worldview. The Christian “God” and “Jesus” are never mentioned, but one of the gods worshipped is modeled after the God Christians are familiar with.

I thoroughly enjoyed the series, especially since I was able to read the books one after another. The action-packed storyline contained way more violence than most Christian books (lots of sword fights and superheroish escape scenes—the staple of all fantasy fiction), and even a few juicy love scenes that caused my eyebrows to raise (whoa…this is Christian fiction?).  Karen Hancock does a superb job with character development and her characters are truly—er—inspirational. Maybe that’s why they call it inspirational fiction.

So if you’re looking for an author to binge on and want to give Christian fantasy a try, pick up the Legends of the Guardian-King series. (And no, Karen did not pay me to write this; I’ve never met her…although I would like to; she’s a terrific writer!)

Books in the series:

1. Light Of Eidon
2. Shadow Within
3. Shadow Over Kiriath (Legends of the Guardian-King)
4. Return of the Guardian-King (Legends of the Guardian-King)

More author binges:

• Learn to write fiction through author binging

Tags: author binging, authors, fantasy fiction, fiction, Karen Hancock, Legends of the Guardian-King, novelists, Writing

Seen inside a public toilet stall:

• Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In an office break room:

• After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Tags: HeBlogsSheBlogs.com, Putrid Prose, Writing