When Starbucks passed out pink slips to 100 workers Friday, they called in the big guns (aka, company spokeswoman Anna Kim-Williams) to deliver the bad news.

The spokeswoman’s prepared statement said:

“Some of these partners are being offered opportunity for redeployment and others will be separated from the company.”

Partners?
Redeployment?
Separated?

Talk about a decaf statement! Those are some of the best (meaning worst) euphemisms I’ve seen all week!

The “partners” she refers to are human resources and security workers.

And “redeployment”? Give me a (coffee) break! Are these “partners” in the Army? Why didn’t she just say, “the workers might be transferred”?

“Separated from the company.” We all know what that means. Laid off. Axed. You’re outta here!

I can understand Starbucks attempting to soften the blow and call as little public attention to the layoffs as possible. But let’s swallow the bitter coffee: Starbucks employees have known for months that they might get laid off (trust me on this; a member of my extended family works at Starbucks corporate — unless she was “separated from the company” Friday).

The public has known for weeks that the layoffs were coming. So add a double shot to my vanilla latte and tell it like it is:

We’re sorry to announce that we laid off 100 workers. When the economy improves, some of them may eventually be reassigned to other departments, but most of these folks are dead wood, so they’re outta here.

To heap even more verbose pain and suffering on the laid-off employees (excuse me–partners), the head of human resources (check out his cool job title below) sent the following memo to them:

A Message from Chet Kuchinad: Workforce Reduction in Partner Resources and Partner & Asset Protection

Dear Partners,

As we communicated on January 28, Starbucks is reshaping our operating model and organization structure to ensure the long-term health of our business. This includes the difficult but necessary decision to reduce our global workforce.

As part of our commitment to transparency throughout this process, we wanted to inform you that approximately 100 non-store partners (including Partner Resources and Partner & Asset Protection) are being notified today that their positions have been eliminated. About 40 of those partners are located at the Starbucks Support Center (SSC) in Seattle.

You may be wondering why these groups are being notified this week if we have not yet notified other displaced partners. PRO and P&AP have unique responsibilities supporting internal client groups during a workforce reduction. Due to the organizational changes in these groups, we felt it respectful to inform these partners now, prior to our broader notification day in mid-February. For partners in a few international markets, this may be somewhat later in order to comply with local employment laws.

We are thankful and proud of the contributions our partners make to the organization, and we are committed to treating all partners with respect and dignity — those who are departing Starbucks and those who will stay.

We recognize this period of uncertainty is unsettling for all partners. We commit to communicating openly with partners as soon as we are able.

Regards,
Chet Kuchinad,
evp, Partner Resource

Well. I certainly feel unsettled. Does Chet honestly believe he’s communicating in English, or is he practicing some internal Starbucksese (similar to Vulcan…or Klingon?).

Here’s your latte challenge, readers:

In the Comments area of this post, re-write Chet’s memo in plain English. Try to condense his 236-word statement to 50 words or less.  We’ll award a copy of our e-book, Blogophobia Conquered ($19.99 value) to the entry we judge to be most creative and to-the-point.

Have at it!

Source:
“Starbucks Lays off 100 Office Workers,” by Melissa Allison, Seattle Times, Feb 5, 2009.